Life is a precious gift from god which we generally not live fully; pondering over little things ignoring the happiness and contentment within us and in smallest things happening in our lives on daily basis... I will unfold the beauty of these things through my eyes and my pen.....bringing rays of hope, love and laughter in your world!!!!

Sunday, 14 August 2016

to give up or to hold on

Emotions are tiresome. They don’t leave you even if the events are over. They make you, break you, twist you, twirl n swirl you,  knock you down, push you up, gives you jerks, slips away your perks, dominate you, rotate you, publish you, abolish you. They drive you and snatch the sanity. They linger like shadows of past and never leave you alone in your journey. They guide you for the future path, warn you time to time, make you regret your decisions, lead you, please you, makes you forget the present, cast the spell of past, makes you live in there as if there is no tomorrow. They hit you most when you are about to begin something new and makes you question your decisions. They give you endless how’s and why’s. Emotions fool you but still make you drool over. They disconnect you from the real world and transport you to a fictional world which is all make belief or what was never there. They take over our senses and the senses go haywire. The wires to the mirror world are connected but the cross connection is always there.

Feeling of Hollowness:-Emotional quotient vacates the portion it once occupied when you go through heartbreak. All aches n pains can be overcome by applying balms and sprays but the aches which emotions carry with them are hard to be erased. The vacuum it creates gives you a hollow feeling deep inside and gives you hallucinations any time of the day for being loved, liked and appreciated. The incidents leave you but the memories it created don't crave to surface time n again. Again, it hurts more because I have stopped loving myself and my love has transferred to my loved one as I have made him/ her /society the central point of my existence, my loves, my likes, my dreams, my preferences. Apart from being physically live, I have ceased to exist. I no longer do what I love to do but prefer to do but what my partner/society likes me to do. I have conditioned myself to become a better person for someone who I value more but in the process I have demeaned my personality and my individuality. That also means that I do not completely agree to myself being correct and complete so I can always alter myself to suit someone else's image of what I should be like rather than what I have turned out to be like. That ultimately comes to that I find my value to be less than my partner's/society’s worth. Majority of suicides in youngsters happen when the going is extremely tough for them as feeling unloved, uncared, unwanted and uncommunicative. Other major factor is social acceptance. Stages of depression- may involve being different from pre-determined standards, disapproval, Self pity, cravings for love, decline in acceptance, THE  END. 

Thinking in depression:-I am emotional wreck. My emotions are vulnerable and I am prone to self-pity, doubting myself and my capabilities. I find myself incapable to keep everyone happy and content. I have concluded that I am good for nothing. I have been unable to justify any role given to me by life and failed miserably in every department. I am unable to find good qualities in me anymore. I find no one needs me or my role in their life has ended. I find no good purpose to live the tattered life I am living. I could have found out the reason to be going had i been in love with myself which I forgot long ago for I started loving someone else much much more than me and I found myself too small to live to his towering love.(In this case the society’s (Pressure has been tremendous and I couldn’t cope with the expectations)

Meaning of death: - Death invariably means different to different people. A common man says- hey RAM! May his soul rest in peace or the statuses are updated on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram with RIP messages with feeling- less so called emotional tributes.
A religious man/ priest/ dharma guru says-  death is eternal, it mingles you with almighty forever. This body was never yours. Almighty has given you this body and he has rightfully taken it away when the time was ripe, so don't cry, it was bound to happen, it was pre- destined.
A reporter will tear apart the history, geography and family of the deceased and will telecast special programs or write lengthy columns to elaborate the facts, ifs and why's mixed with some psychology of the concerned person and rake TRP's.
A politician will give strong interviews in media, will blame the opposition, in extreme cases, will hamper the working of parliament, will cry crocodile tears, will issue apologies to the nation on national television, will grant houses and shower consoling money and get selfies clicked.

But the reality escapes no one- DEATH- end of a life who has lived, loved, tried,  faltered, mastered, experienced, nurtured, defeated, conquered. A full life span with living emotions, these all people never lived the life of the deceased to comment, to judge, to criticize, to condemn. Our society is prejudiced, it wants new but wants the old to stay, it wants change but want to remain same, it wants to run faster but doesn't want to get bruised, it wants to improve but doesn't want to rectify, it wants knowledge but doesn't want to leave superstitions/ criticism, it wants light but doesn't want to let the darkness go , it wants to dream but doesn't want to sleep, it wants to catch but doesn't want the hands to step further or leave what is already in hands, it wants love but doesn't want hate to bury, it wants life but doesn't want to breathe....

That's the harsh reality of the strange society we live in. We are hypocrites and we also keep our further generations in dilemma/ confusion because we ourselves are not clear as to what we want to teach our kids, whether we want them to believe and follow what we have been following for long or we want them to follow what we dreamt of following but never taken the courage to do so, such is social pressure! Lifespans spent dreaming something else and following something else for we believe in pleasing people around us! We must please our parents, friends, siblings, peer group, teachers, professors, girlfriends, wives, boyfriends, husbands, in- laws, kids and the lifespan is complete! What a waste of human lives! It is true that we are born with a pre- determined destiny but in a society like ours, destiny is given to us by our society, they condition us from day one!

lets talk about book

The story of a suicide" is an interesting kneads of love, lust, ego, hurt, friendship, hate and betrayal. The threads of story are interwoven intelligently with in the characters. I loved reading the novel as it’s a gripping tale of modern day complexities of life and how today's generation deal with it.
Here is the detailed synopsis of the story which i will try to explain as per my trysts with life and how i overcome complexities and failures.

Characters:- All characters are almost identical to real life youngsters we come across in our day to day life Be it Charu, Sam, Mani and Hari. They are full of hopes, guts, enthusiasm. They are not afraid to accept challenges and are risk takers. They are fun loving and careful people for we always think that being young is equal to being careless and reckless. Charu is a loudmouth who calls spade a spade is not afraid of consequences and is upright in what she thinks and when she acts. She's a helping hand to her friends and can give tough competition to anyone playing with her emotions. While Sam is a deadly mix of good-vs-bad-thrown-in-one-guy who's a loyal friend to Aditya and a technology freak as he uses it to take revenge from his ex. He's a regular today's guy who gets provoked easily and never relents until his male ego is satisfied and revenge mission accomplished. He's perfect live example of raging male hormones that would go to any length to quash the enemy for as soon as he read Charu's FB post he was hell bent to teach her a lesson though she never mentioned his name in the post and nobody knew it was targeted at him. As for Mani, he is an emotionally stable guy despite having a troubled childhood. Hunger never broke up but made him stronger for he welcomed conditions be if comfy or not very easily. Being exposed to too many complexities and challenges at early age, he accepted them with grace like the way he accepted his own personality of being gay and was very comfortable in his skin whereas his mate Hari despite having a comfortable home and upbringing was ashamed of being gay as he was emotionally ungratified because he mentioned his mom suffered from depression and fought her own battles, was never emotionally available for him. His father was always on tour and HIS maternal uncle administered lifelong emotional wounds for inflicting pain of insecurity and breach of trust. Above all, Hari never found the courage to talk about it. Alex is a too-good-to-be-true-character who's handsome, qualified but very principled and strong opinionated.  

Plot: - Though the plot is engrossing and one can't leave it halfway once started reading. There are certain things in the plot which somehow are contrasting or alien to the story and the flow of story halts for some time. I found the part in which Alex lets Charu sleeps in his house overnight a bit exaggerated and out of the place. Though Mani is a good friend of Charu, she could have talked to him for her fears but instead she chose Alex and that too night and requested him for overnight stay as she had soft corner for him but how Alex being professor and also married can allow a student for the same and that too when he stays alone. This question arose not because i have tiny mentality about morality but knowing about our social behavioral patterns, it can easily become a curse for the lady which Alex knew but still allowed her, perhaps he didn't believed in rules of social life just like Charu Agree, morality is a personal choice and individual guard. I certainly wonder over the character of Mani who had a traumatic past with his mother as his sole physical and emotional companion but when he was on the journey to success, he gave up just because he couldn't cope with English. Now days, English learning has become too easy with institutes running all over and the material spread all over the internet, on top he could have asked his friend Charu to help him out but he chose the dreaded way which is a little chaotic to swallow. Hari is genuinely loved and supported by his family especially his sister Anju. Despite her reassuring him that she's always there to support him, he never discussed his past. Though i agree, the video chapter was too-quick-to-absorb-shock-chapter in his life and then his dad-threatening-suicide was another earthquake for him but he could have confided to his sister and his sister might have been able to help him or make her parents understand the situation but he chose otherwise.
The pain of judgment was heavier than the weight of his body. Half way through the war, there was no time to ponder, he had to win or die before defeat
He never confided in to anyone for he was fearful of getting judged. He either had to win or die before he defeat simply means he was afraid to loose. He never wanted to fail which was a taboo for him for he never faced rejection of failure before. He had a protected childhood wherein he was not allowed to commit mistakes and get corrected. Though Charu is the most original character to come across, She seems to be a carbon copy of me in terms of her uprightness, her charisma, her boldness, her non-nonchalant attitude but the similarities end there only. She seems to have guys issues with her with a kind of hatred oozing out of her body language and her actions but her character is not completely told for how has been her childhood to why she almost hate men! Sometimes she acts really weird and confusing like when she fore-played with Sam in dark room but left him hanging all of a sudden to her sudden outburst on Facebook wherein she only instigated the guy for physical intimacy and then blamed him instead. Her character can be clearly understood once we relive her past which is not mentioned.  Sam also suffers from male ego issues and he can't accept defeat but he's a lover at heart but his testosterone come in way of his emotions. He's a tech-geek as he's always tweeting. Today's youngsters update their statues and tweet starting from brushing to bathing to sneezing to constipation to anything in the world, this is so true. Sam is a jealous bastard who writes blogs in frustration and misuses his technical knowledge to destroy his ex. His character is also unaccomplished.   

Sequence of events unfolding:-It is gripping to read the sequence of events with wild dreams and perfect narration thrown in time to time to show fears, insecurities, hidden emotions of characters with livid characters as original as a movie is being displayed live and feeling nightmarish. The writer perfects in giving unexpected unfolding of events except at one place that we already know by halfway that the culprit is Sam which could have been not given away too soon. After that, the interest in the story vanishes for some time till again Charu leaves her mobile with Mani and something new creeps in and suspense starts building in.  

Some ME-Talk: - Calling me a very simple girl with no hiding tendencies to deceit and with almost nil traces of twisted behavior, i very easily laughed with smile becoming my second nature and got hurt very easily and which means a slightest emotional hurt moved me to eyeful tears by which many people got benefited too. You may blame it on my easy going nature and simplified nature which I am ashamed to admit I earned with loads of internal struggle though my genes gave me some other things than this virtue!!! I believed in being one inside out which simply means what I say is what I mean and have no hidden agenda or secrets inside the veins of my heart. I was a girl of good height among my peer group of tango girls everywhere with a strong build carrying a round white face tucked with two jet black eyes and long eyelashes, with kinda plump cheeks which were an attraction for the uncles of opposite sex to touch them by pulling them as if claiming to shower me with fatherly love but somehow, my sixth or seventh sense always signaled red but I kept shredding it for some or the other reason. Yes! You read it right, being a true blue Cancerian, my senses are highly awakened and catch easily and quickly so never mind my seventh sense! Be happy and keep happy was the funda of my life and healthy conversations leading me ahead of others. I had strong viewpoints on things and never was ashamed to share with others even if I invited uninvited criticism. My mother would ask me to shut up on many occasions which I forcefully rejected and continued till I point I found inner satisfaction to vomit my viewpoint or driven the listener up the wall or till my mom dragged me out of the place! Phew!  I did what I believed; no one ever found any discrepancy between what I believed, what I said and what I did. But this society is not polite to people who are true to themselves. We are supposed to wear many masks while roaming here and here according to the situation or as per the society's demand. We are supposed to be brilliant actors who can don different masks @ different time and change dramatically within fraction of seconds effortlessly and please everyone. I pity those people who say this is my life and I can do whatever I choose to do with my life but the experience of thirty three years has made me realize that the body you own is actually a rented apartment where in you keep a mind which speaks as per the society instructs you to even if the heart abuses it continuously but the pressure is enormous and he has to bow! Bow before power, bow before indifference, bow before customs, bow before random forces, YOU have to bow!!! 

We all have been having long discussions or holding forums on how our society is obsessed with fair color and slim figures...but ironically...both the things are applicable to the feminine gender...I was all of seven when after being described chubby or cute or baby doll by the society suddenly became the target of humiliation and blunt comments....my only fault was that i was on the heavier side since childhood and among all the chaos surrounded by my physical appearance, i was unable to find my fault...those who pretended to love my appearance gave me a jolt (maybe my genes were at fault). I suffered series of trials, misconceptions, tribulations, guilt and a serious inferiority complex. 

Though being good at studies and other activities and having fair color, i was subjected to mental and physical traumas for just being fat. I was wounded not just by far off relatives but siblings, friends, peers, acquaintances...as the days progressed, even my grandmother would comment me sometimes from nobody would marry me to instructing my mother to feed me less. My classmates would never let me join their group or even if i did, they made fun of me which penetrated to my core. When i entered my teenage, i kept waiting for any date proposal but in vain whereas all girls my age flaunted their arm candies with pride. I was ragged brutally in an all-girls college due to my weight structure though i scored 92% in my senior secondary. All my efforts to grab attention or get social acceptance and appreciation went in to dumps; i was getting hurt and emotionally drained. I felt unloved and unwanted all the time...my performances in college was plummeting with no scope to revive. As other average teenage girls who had two passions-food and shopping; i didn’t find taste in food nor i was interested in shopping. my mom would cajole me to buy new clothes or new shoes whenever i went out shopping with her but i always refused. Can you imagine, i was worst hit in my heart when someone send marriage proposal to my parents for me and can you believe i was studying in XI class at that time just because i looked too mature for my age. I even contemplated suicide for which i literally bought two bottles of tezaab from the local shopkeeper. I was too ashamed to look like a reflection of my mom, kids would tease me calling "aunty" and i would weep for hours uninterrupted. I would wake amidst mid night to bitter dreams about my weight. My self-acceptance and self-love reduced to negative. I started stammering while answering back to anyone. Nobody knew having a damaged social image could wreck such havoc in one's life.

How I Felt:- Feeling of inadequacy and worthlessness has been creeping in slowly and steadily. Emotions were getting darker, thicker and vulnerable. Suffocation of piled up crap was drawing me in to an arena wherein I found myself stranded all alone. The inadequacy of love was now drawing the hell out of me. My sanity was on the verge of bankruptcy where I have done all efforts to retain it with me. The anger and frustration were my constant companions now; it seemed that I have never been alone without them. It seemed the almighty had miserly rationed quota of happiness for me and my part included adjustments only. The more I adjusted, the more I was bullied. Emotional vulnerability became my second skin which got exploited endlessly and mercilessly. It is your internal weakness which never lets to triumph over others; no outer force has the capability to break you unless you surrender which I did. I wish my upbringing have included some self-love and my mother has told me to love myself irrespective of others who may or may not love me but loving me should not be rationed. In our culture, girls are taught to love others at the cost of compromising themselves for they are prepared for marriage ever since they are born. I never learnt the art of loving and winning myself even if others were hell-bent to death me out. I have virtually been dead many times but somehow resurrected just like phoenix but this time I was deadly tired and wanted to sleep forever, blissfully. The worst comes when you could no longer hold the emotions inside but come out through eyes, people call you actor, they say you are acting and trying to emotional blackmail them with tears. All in all, they want you to suffocate ultimately. You should mould emotions and actions as per their pleasures and likings. You die every time; you get humiliated for showing your true emotions, for not being fake, for not being as per their standards. Love always played hide and seek with me with the chase being never ending. The heart was brimming with load of residue. It seemed eternity to being loved and understood. 

Suicide is the saturation of internal suffering: - I was on the verge of Suicide but somehow never found the courage to kill myself.  Different people react differently to the bottled up vacuum of emotional turbulence, some turn to meditation for they get to know they can’t change people around but need to find peace internally, some run away from their homes but their past never evades them, some kill others in a rage while others who are neither able to do anything out of these kill themselves. For me, it was the Blackout of emotions and future hopelessness. I felt I was living many lives simultaneously. My internal life never felt at ease with my outer life and they never gel along. I have hidden rather forcibly, emotions churning with more crap from the outside world on daily basis made me wonder if love and happiness do exist. Its been long since I laughed inside out, when my heart sang while my lips curled up in laughter but a fake smile while my heart is hurting badly cursing me superficial. Push and pull in the two warriors of my life infuriated me. I thought- Am I such a loser to not get a single true heart to love? What if I never acted puppet but still felt so. I felt like an animal that’s after his prey but is vain fully tired.  Their contradictory voices snatched my inner peace and always diluted my sense with doubt and haziness the monologue in my head was always running and endlessly creating ruckus. My mood swings had been frantic and explosive, rather dismissively abusive for I kept emotions to me for long and when it finally exploded it took universe by storm. I have somehow now surrendered myself  for I can't tear myself in to two parts while being in one body. Isn’t it tough man but I have been there and done all that with distinction but my emotions failed with F grade. I also felt like punishing people for my miseries, for committing suicide, but somehow never found the courage to kill myself but crib for being helpless and vulnerable. I saw no light even in broad daylight. I woke up not wanting to wake up. I felt empty inside as I have given all in spreading love but society behaved as if they owned me. The incessant pain ripped me apart and shattered me in to pieces.

But then my English teacher Mrs. Mattoo entered my life as a blessing and a torchbearer who showed me how a self-belief can make you or break you. she noticed that I was so ashamed of myself that i didn’t want to go to school, I left eating and sleeping properly so my mom got worried, I used to write very suicidal type of notes in my diary which however my mom caught hold of and talked to my teacher regarding same. She not only broadened my visions and my horizons but awakened my sense of belonging to not only my own body and body image but to my own insecurities and inhibitions. She taught me not to only see dreams but how to get them fulfilled. She taught me the moral values and life skills which are necessary to be a good human being for whom caring and sharing must matter. She paved the way for me to see and explore life on its own and differentiate between good and bad and to choose what is good for me which ultimately helped me develop my decision making power, my confidence level to fight my inner demons. She encouraged me to write my thoughts when no one is willing to listen that’s how my romance with writing started.  She saved me to write this letter of apology to whosoever has ever loved me. I AM SORRY

I am proud to confess that my writing is a gift to me by this atrocious society who doesn't want to listen when you say but sings you praises when you write. For me, writing has come to me as my expression, my outlet, my source to get going.

Red-light areas for parents:-

a. Though every parent is determined to serve everything on a platter to their kids rather than letting them fight their own battles and guiding them through never letting them decide about their lives, they forget, in the process they are making their kids physically and emotionally dependent on them. They are spoon fed and never taste failure which makes them to either win or die before they defeat just as Hari did. Had he been taught that winning and losing is part of the game, he would have never taken the drastic step. They treat   their kids even as kids only even if they cross their middle age and want them to decide for them making them emotionally vulnerable and never trusting their own individual decisions and never letting them fall and rise. And god forbids, if the child is not listening to them, they use term "SUICIDE" as an emotional tool to correct their forgetful kids. Indian Parents often use suicide as to keep their kids walking as per their terms and conditions once they grow up as they find no alternative to set them straight for they are too big to hit or abuse so they choose emotional blackmail. Their shadows always hang on their kids. PLZ refrain. 

b. Kindly believe your kids for what they are saying even if you believe that they are cooking stories but even for cooking something, you need raw material.. They belong to you, so do you. They are too small to defend themselves. Please be available to them physically and emotionally however busy you are. How much you are earning is directly proportional to the memories your child id collecting which will stay with them life time. You can work for some more years but their childhood will never come back.

c. Kindly give them a noise less childhood for them to cherish lifetime. Aditya's words haunt me like anything when he says-
 "Do you really love her?" asked Aditya. "But you have been unhappy with her, perhaps both of you are seeking different things and that's creating all the friction."
Yes! partners seeking different things are bound to have noise around their voicing which is enough to distress their children.

Word of caution for Youngsters:

“Much of our problems can be negated by killing our impulsive and reflexive responses. Aren’t our responses mostly to fight? Inflicting pain on ourselves with the hope that our pain will hurt the other is plain stupid. People just don’t care. We know this, probably that’s why it hurts us so much," Mani said.
That's exactly true for we want to punish others for putting us in emotional trouble and causing us pain, no one is bothered. You will be forgotten just like an old chapter but in the process, you will hurt people who love you for what you are, who support you for whatever you do, who walk with you when you feel tired, who criticize you when you are wronged. These people are your parents, your siblings, your friends. Don't punish them for your selfish reasons. You are much more than how much marks you get, how much English you can speak, how beautiful/handsome you are, how fat/thin you are, how good you can cook/sing/laugh/write/learn.. You are much much more than all this. Stop comparing yourself to others. You are unique. You are precious. 

I have observed many things of life while reading “Story of Suicide” which I relate to and you should do too! Don’t forget to spread the message. Read here  

Image Courtesy:- Internet/ Self

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© [ Ritika Kapoor] [My Sunshine My World] {2015] this post is exclusively constructed, written and belong to the owner. Any duplication, publication or usage without the written permission from the actual owner is is an offense and is strictly prohibited and illegal.